I started the day with VStudio 01 and and this article about what a person remembers about her dad. Ironic enough, that very day of ‘apart’ is the day all others celebrate some other thing. Just like today, a day a lot of sons, daughters, and granchildren show their love to their dads. There are people who.. simply..” miss” it.
[i guess being alone does have an effect]I keep thinking about her ever since i’m back home. She and the kid lost it, lost that simple but utmost important privilege of doing just about anything to show their love to the man their life revolves around. I still remember that email, those every words she wrote to us. They were strong, abrupt, and full of courage. It’s scary. It’s frightful. It’s painful. It’s excruciating pain. It’s horror. Yet we all have to say those words at least once in our life. It’s hard to forget those faces i have come to know when they say those words out loud.
It’s just like her, so much courage, so much confidence. Sometimes i have to wonder how much pain killer a person has to take to suppress that much pain.
There was one particular video showing how kids reunited with their dads coming back from battlefield in US. I cried when that little boy ran over to his dad, hugged him real tight, and said in tears “i miss you dad”. I wonder how little Tommy is doing on this day. Of course he’s told his is far away. Hard to say whether it’s a bless to not remember almost everything. I told my friend when reading her note today that it’s good at least to have your memories stay to comfort you. Yet should i wish that same thing for little Tommy? I don’t know. Been there, done that. It’s hurtful, sometimes. But strange enough, that’s what helps me get through.
Perhaps some witch somewhere is playing with me. It keeps popping up, whether fb notes or news articles or even chit chat. A friend of mine suddenly said it’s Father’s day today. Honestly i was stunned when she said it out. That’s the moment i realized i have a luxury which a lot don’t have. I have the luxury to text my pa to say happy father’s day. I stopped there for a brief moment and still told her i text my dad. I just think it’s better to keep it as normal. Just to get it over, just to make it memory.
A friend told me people tend to think their pain, their suffering are greater than what others are going through. Yes, it’s true. It’s hard to get over it if one doesn’t have the chance to get know others’ experiences.
I don’t grieve over it all the time. Partly, and painfully to admit, because i don’t remember that much. I appreciate the luxury that i have and hold dear because i understand what it’s like to not have it. And this, i sincerely want Tommy to have. I wish he grows up not bringing the pain but the bits of memories, however little, and let they soothe him. I wish he grows up appreciating the fact that he can still afford that same luxury with his mom. Because it’s important to remember all, remember to reminisce and remember to care.
I’m lucky to still have ‘a part’ after that ‘apart’. And for that, i’m grateful.
So it was Father’s day. Not all things are black or white entirely. Even pain and happiness.
P/S: i want to go back so badly to see you and play with little Tommy. I want to buy those action figures and dinosaur toys to play with him. Love you.